Mirrors Between Us

Mirrors Between Us_Loving Disclaimer and Purpose

Author: Cody J. Rice-Velasquez
Audience: My family first; the wider community second
Intent: Reconciliation through truth + compassion

Loving Disclaimer (read me first)

This letter reflects my memories, perceptions, and lived experiences.
It isn’t meant to diagnose or define anyone—only to share what I saw, how I felt, and what I’ve learned from our story.
Everything here is written with love—not the sentimental kind, but the kind that seeks truth even when it hurts, because truth is love in action.

I’ve been learning from teachers like Carl Jung, Eckhart Tolle, and Jesus himself—all pointing to the same truth:
there are only two measures in life—to give love or to withhold it. Everything else is noise.

“Truth is love in action.”

This letter is addressed first to my family—but also to every reader who has ever felt split between truth and belonging.
I am writing this not just to reconcile our bloodline, but because I know what we heal here echoes outward.
Families are micro-universes: when one reconciles, the cosmos learns a new shape.
So this becomes another instrument in my kit for the world’s repair—one more mirror polished for others to see their own reflection clearly.

Science now speaks the language of spirit: neuroscience confirms that love and empathy re-wire the brain; trauma leaves measurable fingerprints on the genome. [1]
Faith reminds us why we should use that knowledge. [2]
Logic and mysticism are finally shaking hands.

[!reflection]
Where have you withheld love in the name of logic—or denied reason in the name of faith?
Both are halves of the same mirror.

• Carl Jung on the Shadow—the parts of us we push away that eventually push back (a lens, not a verdict). (TED)

• Eckhart Tolle on presence—how unobserved pain becomes patterns, and presence loosens their grip. (Harvard Health)

• Jesus’ core ethic—“Love God … and love your neighbor as yourself.” For me, this collapses to one daily binary: give love or withhold love. I’m trying to choose giving. (Bible Gateway)

• Contemporary science that helps explain why hard family stories echo:

  • Adverse Childhood Experiences (ACEs) and long-range health/behavior links. (Psychology Today)

  • Emotions as constructed in the body-brain loop (useful for de-escalation and repair). (thebowencenter.org)

  • Early signs that trauma patterns can echo across generations via stress biology (promising but still evolving).

  • The health value of forgiveness and letting go (without erasing accountability). (Eckhart Tolle)

How to read this

• When I name patterns (control, avoidance, masking, survival), I’m naming impacts and my experience, not anyone’s essence.
• When I use words like “shadow” or “programming,” I’m pointing to mechanisms that many of us inherit—not moral worth.
• If something feels off, ask me. Dialogue beats distance.

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Purpose (why this exists)

1. For my family: to lay our cards on the table with tenderness and backbone—so we can end the cliques, the quiet wars, and the old pecking orders, and build a connected, mutual, grown family. I want Mom included, Dad included, every aunt/uncle/sibling included—no one outside the circle.

2. For the world: this is also a tool in my kit—a model others can adapt to help their families heal from their pasts. Our story is personal and universal: most families carry dust in the corners and cracks in the foundation. The work is to let the light in and repair together.

3. For integrity: my proclamation of worth is not a middle chapter—it’s the final lesson this document builds toward. After we name the house’s history and cost, we end in an unshakeable truth: my value, your value, every person’s value is non-negotiable. (That finale isn’t a demand for repayment; it’s an invitation to see correctly.)

4. For alignment with faith and reason:

   • Faith frames the why: love is the measure. (Bible Gateway)

   • Science informs the how: understanding stress, memory, emotion, and repair helps us choose wiser responses. ACEs research shows why survival patterns linger; emotion science explains why naming, breathing, and context-shifts help; forgiveness research shows why release frees the giver first. (Psychology Today)

   • Presence (Tolle) is the bridge: healing happens now, one honest conversation at a time. (Harvard Health)

Guardrails (how we’ll keep this safe)

• Perspective language: I’ll say “I experienced…” or “It seemed to me…” rather than final judgments. This keeps the table open. (Jung’s Shadow is a mirror, not a hammer.) (TED)

• Room for complexity: People are not one story. (E.g., Dad’s “white-guy-trapped” bit—there’s authenticity and early survival logic in his cultural gravitation; we can honor both truths at once.)

• Compassion with boundaries: Forgiveness ≠ forgetting. We can release ledgers and set better rules for what happens next. (Eckhart Tolle)

• Evidence-aware, not evidence-oppressive:

  • Big, well-replicated foundations (ACEs; emotion construction; benefits of forgiveness) get more weight. (Psychology Today)

  • Emerging/fringe ideas (intergenerational epigenetics) are noted as promising but not settled.

  • Mindfulness/presence can help and occasionally destabilize trauma survivors—so we go slow, resourced, and body-aware. (Verywell Health)

What I’m asking of you (near-term)

• Read to the end. The last page holds the point: dignity, worth, and an open door.

• Hold questions. If a line burns, circle it, breathe, and bring it to the table—we’ll do Q&A in person or in a shared doc.

• Join the repair. In “The Path Forward” section, I’ll propose concrete steps (rituals, monthly check-ins, shared norms) so this becomes a constitution for our healing, not just a memoir.

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Quick “learn-more” map (optional)

• Shadow work (Jung) — overview of the Shadow concept. (TED)

• Presence (Tolle) — why attention to “now” loosens old patterns. (Harvard Health)

• Greatest commandments — love as first principle. (Bible Gateway)

• ACEs — how early adversity predicts later outcomes. (Psychology Today)

• Emotions are constructed — practical implications for de-escalation. (thebowencenter.org)

• Forgiveness & health — release as medicine (with boundaries). (Eckhart Tolle)

• Intergenerational stress biology — promising, still developing.

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[[1Home-Foundations]]
[[2The Mothers and the Divisions]]
[[3The Shadow and the Inheritance of Pain]]
[[4The Cost of Carrying]]
[[5Identity and Truth]]
[[6Breaking the Program — The Proclamation of Worth]]
[[7The Path Forward]]
[[8Release]]
[[9_Closing]]

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The Mothers and the Divisions

Our lineage has always been a chorus of strong women singing different melodies.
My mother’s song was love through transparency. Even when life hit her hard, her affection was a constant frequency—loud enough to cover the static of poverty and pain.
She had her own battles—mental health struggles, economic stress, moments where the world felt too heavy.
But she never withheld her heart. I could tell her anything—things that would send other parents into rage or fear—and she’d just listen. That safety was my first taste of God.

Rosemary chose a different song: control as safety. She took on everybody’s responsibility until it calcified into authority.
What looked like dominance was a child’s panic that never grew old—if I can keep everything perfect, nobody gets hurt.
I see her now with compassion. Control was her shield.

Then there’s Robyn, the sensitive yet practical observer, the family translator who never quite felt fluent. Her humor hid her pain. She consciously decided on a different life choosing her happiness over expectation. Some of the family shame her for this but i applaud her for living her truth without compromise.

And then my father’s new marriage—its own orbit with its jealous moons. My mother became an outsider to a house she helped build. The new wife guards her territory like a country under siege, but possession is not love; it’s fear wearing jewelry. Interprets genuine friendship and platonic love as a violation or a threat to be neutralized.

We’ve all played our parts in these dramas, and it’s time to retire the roles.
We are too grown, too tired, and too close to the end to keep acting like rival cast members in a family sitcom.
The only season left to air should be forgiveness.

“Forgiveness is not forgetting the story—it’s changing its ending.”

Neuroscience tells us that reconciliation literally rewires the brain. Oxytocin and dopamine rise when we re-establish trust. [4]
Faith tells us the same thing with simpler words: Love casts out fear. (1 John 4:18)

What small ritual could you create to honor both your boundaries and your longing for belonging?

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Further Reading & Reflection — Mothers & Divisions

1. Harriet Lerner (2004). The Dance of Connection. Harper Collins.
2. Murray Bowen (1978). Family Therapy in Clinical Practice. Jason Aronson.
3. Brené Brown (2010). The Gifts of Imperfection. Hazelden.
4. 1 Corinthians 13:4-7 — Love is patient, love is kind…

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The Cost of Carrying

I carried what wasn’t mine. Many of us did.
Every generation hides its weight in the next one’s pockets.
I was the quiet, careful child—the buffer, the stabilizer, the one who anticipated tension before it broke the surface.
That wasn’t maturity; that was adaptation.

My childhood was shaped around other people’s pain.
If my father’s silence thickened, I shrank smaller.
If my mother’s nerves frayed, I softened my tone.
I learned emotional triage before I learned algebra.

“When a child becomes the adult in the room, their innocence becomes collateral damage.”

That habit followed me into adulthood.
Even now, when something shatters, my first instinct is not to cry but to sweep.
It took therapy, prayer, and study to realize that constant containment isn’t compassion—it’s compression.

Trauma researcher Judith Herman reminds us: “Recovery can take place only within relationships; it cannot occur in isolation.” [1]
My independence, once praised, was born of necessity.
But healing demanded interdependence—the willingness to be held.

What part of you still confuses exhaustion with loyalty?

I am not angry at my parents for the burdens I bore.
They were repeating the code they learned: love equals labor.
But I name it now so it can stop here.
Responsibility shared becomes weight divided.

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Further Reading & Reflection — Carrying

1. Judith Herman (1992). Trauma and Recovery. Basic Books.
2. Peter Levine (1997). Waking the Tiger: Healing Trauma. North Atlantic Books.
3. Stephen Porges (2011). The Polyvagal Theory. Norton.
4. Galatians 6:2 — “Carry each other’s burdens, and in this way you will fulfill the law of Christ.”

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Breaking the Program – The Proclamation of Worth

My father never wanted children.
I understand that more than he might believe.
Parenthood is terrifying when you’ve never been parented gently.

But here I am—living proof that purpose ignores preference.
Whether I was planned, accidental, or as I once put it, an abortion gone wrong, it changes nothing.
My worth isn’t negotiable.
It existed before conception and will outlast the flesh that carries it.

“I am valuable. I am worth love. I am worth respect. I am worth so much—just because I am.”

This proclamation isn’t ego; it’s equilibrium.
Modern neuroscience tells us consciousness itself is improbable, a statistical miracle [3].
The odds of any of us existing are roughly 1 in 10²,⁷⁰⁰,⁰⁰⁰.
So to doubt your worth is to argue with arithmetic.

Faith frames it differently: “You knit me together in my mother’s womb.” (Psalm 139:13)
Science and scripture agree—existence is intent.

When I finally spoke this truth aloud, I felt generations unclench behind me.
It was as if my ancestors exhaled through my lungs.
The lineage needed someone to say, enough.
I am that voice, and it is not rebellion—it’s release.

Say it quietly: “I was never a mistake.” Notice what happens inside your body when you do.

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Further Reading & Reflection — Proclamation of Worth

1. Viktor Frankl (1946). Man’s Search for Meaning. Beacon Press.
2. Andrew Newberg & Mark Waldman (2010). How God Changes Your Brain. Ballantine.
3. Neil deGrasse Tyson (2019). Astrophysics for People in a Hurry. Norton.
4. Psalm 139:13-14 — “You knit me together in my mother’s womb.”

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— End of Part 2 —
(Part 3 continues with Sections 7 – 9: “The Path Forward,” “Release,” and “Closing.”)

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Release

I want to briefly mention a friend of mine who is no longer with us in this space-time and I want to honor her.

V was the sister of the man who once stopped me from ending my life.
She was my mirror—different history, same frequency.
We’d talk for hours about spirit, science, and survival, about how laughter is just grief with better rhythm.
We planned a podcast, a small broadcast of light in a noisy world.

Then she was murdered by a gang member—one block from my house one month-ago.
The same night, I was meant to be out but fell asleep early, like some unseen hand hit the dimmer switch and said, not tonight.
When I woke and heard, the world blurred.
The shock wasn’t cinematic; it was bone-deep quiet.

“Some angels don’t ascend; they detonate.”

Her death is a mirror of urgency.
Life is not rehearsal—it’s one, continuous take.
I write now with the same breath she no longer has, and I will use it well.

Trauma research calls this post-traumatic growth—the capacity to transform loss into expansion. Faith calls it resurrection.
Either way, it’s the same math: energy never dies; it evolves.

So I choose to live differently because she cannot.
To speak because she cannot.
To forgive because that’s the only language the dead understand.

Who would you honor by living more bravely today?

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Further Reading & Reflection — Release

1. Kübler-Ross & Kessler (2005). On Grief and Grieving. Scribner.
2. Andrew Newberg (2018). Neurotheology: How Science Can Enlighten Us about Spirituality. Columbia University Press.
3. Tedeschi & Calhoun (2004). “Post-Traumatic Growth: Conceptual Foundations.” Psychological Inquiry.
4. John 8:12 — “I am the light of the world.”

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